Blog
February the month of love, and celebrating surviving the longest month of the year!
Our focus this month will be on sexual happiness. Yip that ever fascinating topic. The stuff many of us either do not want to talk about, admit that we want to talk about it, wonder about, perhaps dream about…
Our focus during February will be on what sexual happiness may be, some research on sexual trends and associations, as well as information dealing with personal sexual well-being and biological considerations.
We would also like to welcome Lauren Gardner to our team as a contributor to the blog. Lauren is an accomplished researcher and will add a definite well researched dimension to many of our future blogs.
So without further ado lets venture forth into February with a song of love in our hearts and the latest Kamasutra edition under our arms and conquer LOVE!
PS for the Afrikaans speaking population, I can strongly recommend the Afrikamasutra by Ilse Carla Groenewald. It’s the super sexy Afrikaans translation of Vatsayayana’s Kama Sutra. The Kama Sutra can be seen as the standard work on human sexual behaviour.
Is Your Marriage in Trouble?
Most sex therapists agree that having sex less than 10 times a year is reason enough to label your marriage a sexless one. However, a lack of sex does not mean your marriage is in trouble, according to Schnarch. While sex may be the way couples typically express their love and desire for each other, a lack of sex doesn’t necessarily mean that you are headed for a break-up, though it is something that you should get a handle on. Dr. Kerner says, “Sex seems to be rapidly falling to the bottom of America’s to-do list; but, in my experience, when couples stop having sex their relationships become vulnerable to anger, detachment, infidelity and, ultimately, divorce. I believe that sex matters: It’s the glue that keeps us together and, without it, couples become ‘good friends’ at best, or ‘bickering roommates’ at worst.”
How to talk to your partner about sex
Sometimes it can feel difficult, but talking to your partner about sex is an investment in your relationship. Here are ways for speaking effectively:
- Schedule time in advance to talk about sex. By putting this conversation on your agenda, you eliminate the possibility that this talk will arise out of anger or frustration.
- Discuss what’s working and what’s not. Many problems that couples experience in the bedroom can be rectified by talking it out. Find ways to compromise so you both feel safe and heard.
- Make suggestions to your partner about what you would like. Positive suggestions often work better instead of complaining about the things they’re already doing or not doing.
- Be honest about what you want. However, don’t talk your partner into anything they’re not comfortable trying. Also don’t allow your partner to do the same to you.
- Be open to each other’s ideas. Be willing to compromise on them, too, so that both of you feel heard and get what you need.
- Be clear and honest. This will prevent less room for miscommunication. Don’t make your partner have to read between the lines. If you want something but are uncomfortable verbalizing it, try writing it down instead.
How to Sync Your Sex Drives
There are a lot of factors that need to fall into place to make sex something you are desiring. In many couples, a difference in opinion can be a problem. Al Cooper, from the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre, says, “In general, however, a couple’s problems are often less about sex, per se, than getting to the sex.
“If your sex drives are out of balance, your aim is to meet in the middle, having sex a bit more than one partner likes, but probably a bit less than the other likes.” – Dr. Gail Saltz
No couple’s willingness for sex at any given time lines up perfectly. The key is how well a couple negotiates the times when one initiates and the other refuses.” As with every issue in a relationship, sex and the frequency at which you have it requires compromise.
It may seem like a large mountain to climb, when you think of all the other things you deal with on a daily basis. Laundry, work, cooking meals, cleaning, and other tasks often seem more important than a quickie with your partner; but sex can become fun again! Kerner says, “Once we stop doing it, it’s easy to get stuck in a slump; but once we get back on track, we remember how much we missed it. The old adage ‘use it or lose it’ has some truth. So does my suggestion, ‘try it, you’ll like it.’”
At first, it might mean scheduling sex and making the time that leads up to the sex more intimate. Hug each other each day, exercise to increase your testosterone levels, and turn off the distractions, like the computer and TV. If you are still having problems with being able to engage in intimacy, seeing a sex therapist may really help you and your partner land on the same page!