Welcome back and a blessed and prosperous new year to all! I can’t believe that it’s the second week of January already. I am still surprised by people I haven’t seen since the 1st wishing me compliments of the season. It feels so looong ago? Perhaps it a sign of age…?
I remember my mother OFTEN saying, when I was younger and whining as to why it takes so long for Christmas or my birthday to come, “Just wait Mr, one day, when you’re older, you will realise just how fast time really goes by.” My mom was maybe referring to Paul Janet, French philosopher’s theory of “logtime” – our age is our basis for estimating time intervals, resulting in a perceived shrinking of our years as we grow older. Perhaps she was just fed up?
My maternal granny was, of course, a whole different kettle of fish. She was known to take no prisoners and any show of sympathy/empathy fell in the same category as blasphemy as far as she was concerned. She dealt with any trauma, show of comfort, support, catastrophe or any any any other remotely emotional issue in a brisk and efficient manner.
Let’s look at her fail safe 3-Step intervention strategy to life.
Step 1 - A few quick words of support and encouragement:
“That’s enough! / Stop it! / The second world war was far worse, people actually died!”
Step 2 – Brisk action:
This usually entailed one or more loving smacks to whichever part of your body foolish enough to present itself to her. This action was typically performed with whatever was in her hand at the time, hair brush, cup of tea …
Step 3 – Solution time:
This step usually followed when you least expected it and typically a few hours after her implementation of Steps 1-2: “Here, I’ve made you something nice to eat.” That would then be the end of the problem, it will be seen as solved and never to be mentioned again.
This reminisces has now led me to think of the therapeutic process. Strange but true! While I was typing I realised that an important event in my life (impatience with the speed of the passage of time, impulsiveness, great expectations etc) was dealt with in two very different ways by two significant people in my life. Should I consider the other role players like my father, grandfather and others I am sure that they all would have dealt with the same situation in very different ways. However, the focus is not on these role players of my life’s drama but on the individual receiving these “interventions”, the main character so to speak. In other words, how do we make sense of the influence/s of others’ on our lives, especially during the emotional or more difficult parts of our lives.
It is mostly during these emotionally challenging times that people decide to get professional help, ie psychotherapy. (In January 2018 I wrote a blog on the different types of psychologists as well as therapy etc. Please read this in the blog section of our website for more info. This month I want to focus more on the therapeutic process – what it is and isn’t and attempt at explaining a little bit more of what to expect.)
I hope my example of my mother and granny explains somewhat what therapy is not. It is not giving sage advice, it is not ignoring the issue or reprimanding the person or dishing out guilt or minimising what is shared. It is also, often, not a quick fix and may take a few attempts at addressing whatever the issue/s may be. There is no quick fix, no recipe – do this and this and that will follow – it is deeply individualised and influenced not only by the person coming for therapy but also by the therapist.
It is ultimately a deeply personal relationship. Once this therapeutic relationship is established and healthy the process of growth will start. One of my mentors at university use to refer to “the holy space between client and therapist”. It is in this space that unconditional acceptance occurs, and “… where you realise that therapy is not a substitute for life – it is a means to and end and a reference point.” (Yalom, The Gift of Therapy, 2002)
I would like to conclude with the words of Yalom, a great psychotherapist and one of my mentors.
“A great many of our patients have conflicts in the realm of intimacy [close interpersonal relationships], and obtain help in therapy sheerly through experiencing a close interpersonal relationship with the therapist. Some fear this closeness because they believe there is something basically unacceptable about them, something repugnant and unforgivable. Given this, the act of revealing oneself fully to another and still being accepted may be the major vehicle of therapeutic help.” (Yalom, ID, 2002, The Gift of Therapy: An Open Letter to a New Generation of Therapists and Their Patients)
I hope this helps to explain a little bit more about the therapeutic process. I’m afraid it remains a somewhat mystical and confusing process. Probably something that can only, sort of, be understood once you have been through the process? And now I am really concluding. I’m off to make tea and something nice to eat. Thanks granny!