yes
it is possible
to hate and love
someone
at the same time
I do it to myself
everyday
- Rupi Kaur
When I read our blogs for January and February, I was struck by the opening phrases of each of these. Both started describing how busy we are, how hectic our schedules are, and how this negatively impact us. This realisation affirmed that Gerda and I are on the right track by dedicating considerable time and effort to the concept of love.
Love is influenced by our thoughts, words, deeds, stress, trauma, the environment we live in and so forth. This is the case in our lives so it may very well be so in many people’s lives at present.
The consequence of stress, trauma, negative self-talk and beliefs on the self is often a disconnect between the authentic self and our feelings. We don’t know “Who am I?” anymore, we get caught in a loop of negative self-talk and belief, our reasoning gets increasingly irrational and negative, we start to catastrophize (nothing will help me…, It’s all over…”). Figuring out what we feel, think and belief in the moment gets increasingly difficult.
We try to cope and regain control of our lives by doing the same things over and over, hoping to get a different result; that this time it will lead to a change and I will start to feel better. We work harder, try to please more (saying yes even if we want to say no), get overinvolved with “worthy” causes (“I have to be on the School Governing Body…”), deny our own needs (“I can cope, I’ve coped with far more before in my life, this is nothing…”), and increasingly get more authoritarian with the self (“I must…, I’m useless…, I should’ve known…”) to name but a few. Good old Karen Horney’s (German psychoanalyst) concept of “the tyranny of should” come to mind. Read more about this at https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/career-transitions/201703/your-career-and-the-tyranny-the-shoulds.
The irony is that the only way that we can “finance” this increasing activity to try and cope with the stressors on the self is to stop doing those things that actually “feed” the self. We stop feeding the goose that’s laying the golden eggs and then stand amazed if (a) no more eggs are laid and (b) the goose dies.
Let us look at a few ways in which to reconnect with our authentic selves and to stop denying our feelings:
1 Change the way you talk to yourself
the way you speak of yourself
the way you degrade yourself
into smallness
is abuse
– Rupi Kaur
Start paying attention to the types of questions you ask yourself. The difference in the quality of people’s lives often comes down to the difference in the questions they consistently ask themselves. If you ask a disempowering question (“Why does this always happen to me?”) your mental computer will look for an answer, and to satisfy the question, your subconscious may even make something up, such as “Because I am not good enough” or “Because I am not smart enough.”
If we start asking ourselves empowering questions, such as “How do I handle this better than in the past?” our brains will look for answers and often come up with an answer that not only makes you feel better, but allows you to reconnect with your true self.
Quality questions create a quality life. They direct our mental focus and ultimately determine how we think and feel. The key is to develop a pattern of questions that empower your true nature. For example, try focusing on quality questions such as:
What am I most happy about in my life now? / How do I show my happiness?
What am I most excited about in my life now? / How am I living/fulfilling my happiness?
What am I most proud about in my life now? / Who do I share this with?
What am I most grateful about in my life now? / How do I celebrate this?
What am I enjoying most in my life right now? / When am I aware of this?
What am I committed to in my life right now? / How/when do I show this/rejoice in it?
Who do I love? / How do I love? / When am I comfortable in showing this love?
By making quality questions part of your daily ritual, you will be able to create mental highways to happiness, excitement, pride, gratitude, joy, commitment and love. It will guide you in the direction of the authentic you.
2 Schedule in “Me” Time
This doesn’t have to be a day trip to the spa or the bar. It can be as simple as getting comfortable in front of the TV to watch your favourite show, reading a book, taking a walk, or waking up 30 minutes earlier to meditate. Whatever it is that makes you feel good and fuels you, find the time to do it. The world with all its stressors and demands will still be there but at least you will be better nourished to deal with them, because you took the time to feed your authentic self.
3 Find Time to Journal
Yes, I know, I also do not like journaling that much. I tend to either lose my journal or feel so guilty for not diligently working in it that I simply stop using it. I think the trick is to keep it as simple as possible.
Keep a small notebook with you. When you have a few spare minutes, take it out, and ask yourself, “What is going on with me today?” Write what you are worried about, what you are grateful for, or five things you’ve always wanted to do, but haven’t made time for.
The more you write, the more what matters to you most will evolve. It’s one of the best ways to really reconnect with your soul. For those of us less inclined to write, why not create voice memos for yourself?
4 Be Still
There are two kinds of loneliness,
one you feel when you’re all alone,
and the other you feel in a crowded room,
when you realise you’re the only person who knows
what it’s like to be you.
– atticus
This is where we force ourselves to pause. We learn how to cope with the self; how to be comfortable with the self, to feel lonely, alone and to be ok with it. To pay less attention to our (sometimes) whining inner voice.
Create a space where you can simply be. Sit in a comfortable chair, perhaps have some background music on (nothing with words, or you have an emotional history) to cancel out other environmental noises, and have some comfort food or drink with you. Start by giving yourself 5-10 minutes – you can increase this over time as you start to get comfortable with this process. Set your alarm clock for the desired time. Turn on the music (if using) and give yourself permission to simply be, stare at the wall, out of the window, it doesn’t really matter, as long as you try to be still and simply be.
Being still forces us to get back in touch with what is really important to us. It is a time of soul searching; you reconnect with your passions, rediscover what you truly love to do in your free time, and face some ugly truths you haven’t wanted to look at.
Being still quiets the noise in your head so that you can hear what the authentic you really wants out of life.
5 Find Time to Play
Dance, walk, do a park run, bath your dog, meet friends for a drink, or take a bread-making class.
Try activities that make you laugh; laughter reduces the production of stress hormones and has the power to heal. Making playfulness a daily habit gives you a chance to work through anxieties that might otherwise make you feel disconnected from yourself.
6 Meditate
Meditation may have negative connotations for some people. Meditation is nothing more than spending good quality time with the self. It’s like tip 4 only more structured and perhaps focused.
Meditation does not involve sitting in a dark room for an hour with your eyes closed. It can be a simple 10- to 15-minute exercise that you do right before bed or when you wake up in the morning.
The idea is to be quiet and reconnect with yourself and your breathing. Tune in to your body. What are you feeling? What areas of your body are tense? What intuitive messages are you getting when you quiet your mind? All of the answers you need are typically right there inside you, you just need to take the time to reconnect to yourself.
In conclusion, I think an important message, when we look at Love and the authentic self, is that we need to be less strict and authoritarian with ourselves. Start feeding that goose that lays the golden eggs again and be loving to yourself. You do live with yourself 24/7 after all. May as well spoil yourself, you do know best.
I am learning to be patient
with my healing
and never to close my mouth
when my scars scream.
I am learning to be patient
with my healing
and never to carry fire
when all I want to do is
feast on water and silence.
– Ijeoma Umebinyuo