Emotional Abusive Relationships
Part 2
“Speak roughly to your little boy and beat him when he sneezes! He only does it to annoy, because he knows it teases!” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland –
Who emotionally abuses?
The answer quite frankly is…We all do at different times and in different circumstances. The difference is when the abuse is prolonged, part of your daily routine and functioning and causes pain/discomfort and damage to the other person in the relationship. In short, emotionally abusive relationships is like bullying on steroids.
PM Forni stated “When the healthy pursuit of self-interest and self-realization turns into self-absorption, other people can lose their intrinsic value in our eyes and become mere means to the fulfillment of our needs and desires.” It’s human nature to be selfish and boastful now and then, but true narcissists take it to an extreme. They don’t just have extra self-confidence, they don’t value others’ feelings or ideas and ignore others’ needs.
Seven signs of a covert narcissist
1. Quiet Smugness / Superiority
Extrovert narcissists are fairly easy to spot. They have grandiose mannerisms and attention-seeking machinations. They are “loud” while their covert cousins are silent but violent. Covert narcissists are more difficult to pinpoint – at least in the beginning. They tend to observe (judgmentally) rather than act, and listen (half-heartedly) rather than speak.
Covert narcissists have a seemingly more discreet brand of superiority. They come across as aloofly detached. They may not express their negativity outright, but you get the distinct sense that you are being weighed and found wanting.
Their non-verbal cues like a lack of eye contact, condescending glares, eye-rolling, dismissive gestures, groans and sighs, high distractibility, quick boredom, impolite yawns, and overall inattentiveness all serve to prove to you that you are “lacking” in some way. When they do speak, their comments tend to be critical and judgmental, focusing on their own conceited views.
This seemingly impenetrable smugness is, of course, a front, covering a sense of vulnerability within. Part of the insecurity may be the inability to meaningfully relate to people as human beings.
“One cries because one is sad… I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.” (Big Bang Theory)
2. Self-Absorption
One of the most common characteristics of a covert narcissist is a sense of “withdrawn self centeredness”. They tend to be reticent and poor listeners. They will often make a quick assessment of a person or situation, find it uninteresting, flawed, or unworthy of their attention, and mentally tune out (block you out).
While most mature adults are capable of recognizing nuances of issues, and giving people the benefit of the doubt, covert narcissists tend to focus only on what they selfishly want and find agreeable. All else might be labelled as “boring” or “stupid”.
4. Passive-Aggressiveness
Some covert narcissists deal with disagreeable people or circumstances in passive-aggressive ways. Upon receiving a reasonable request from you, they might say “okay”, “yes”, “of course”, or “as you wish”, but then either do nothing, or behave however they please. When you inquire why they didn’t follow through on an agreement, they may shrug it off with an excuse, or say nonchalantly that their way is better.
3. Lack of Empathy
“You have a migraine? But what about helping me with the annual report like you said you will?”
Both extrovert and covert narcissists share this trait. Narcissists are often oblivious to, or dismissive, of others’ thoughts and feelings. Even when you tell them how their attitudes and actions are generating adverse consequences for you; their response will be more about themselves and their needs and inconvenience. Such is the self-absorption.
6. The “Misunderstood Special Person”
The self-perceptions of some covert narcissists include notions such as: “I’m special”, “I’m one-of-a-kind”, “I’m ahead of my time”, “I’m so unique, no one understands me”, and / or “I’m so smart, I’m above everyone else”. Statements such as these reveal common narcissistic tendencies of superiority, grandiosity, and entitlement. By constructing the superficial belief that one is “exceptional”, the introvert narcissist creates a reassuring role, submerging the fearful and vulnerable true self.
Behold the poor soul that contradicts this worldview of the narcissist! An innocent comment such as “I thought you said you are the salesperson of the month” or “are you sure your manager is such a rude so-and- so; he looks quite friendly to me” may be all that is needed to be seen as a declaration of war! It is then that you will experience the full wrath of the narcissistic injury, and feel guilty for it and take responsibility for it and ask for forgiveness and start to question yourself and, and, and…
5. Highly Sensitive
Covert narcissists are “exquisitely sensitive”. They are prone to be affronted by any signs of real or perceived slights, and handle criticism poorly. Negative feedback from their world (you perhaps disagreeing with him / her as to what to have for supper), may result in a covert narcissist to react with an increased sense of superior smugness and dismissal (fight), while another will respond with sullen withdraw (flight). Typically, they will not let on how much the negative experience bothers them, and instead use their well rehearsed aloofness to continue their schema.
Of course, not all highly sensitive people are narcissistic. What distinguishes the narcissist is their falsely constructed superiority complex.
7. Impersonal and Difficult Relationships
As mentioned earlier, part of the covert narcissist’s insecurity is the inability to genuinely connect with people. To this extent, the aloofness and / or smugness serve as a defensive mechanism, keeping people away, lest the narcissist is exposed for her or his interpersonal inadequacies.
Some introvert narcissists narrowly focus on self absorbing work, technology, social networking, small cliques, books, games, fantasies, and / or other endeavours to minimize wider human interactions. These activities may also help them enact their covert, self-important personas.