Emotional Abusive Relationships
Part 1
“Prince: “Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
Rapunzel: “No… Ok yes… Well NO! Not until you…”
“…and the Prince kissed Snow White and she woke up. But, as time went by Snow White often wondered why he kissed and saved her if she is such a useless housekeeper with a shady past with 7 exes who cannot even run her kingdom effectively…”
Us humans – well, most of us in any case – are social beings. We feel safe, comforted, protected, understood and have a sense of belonging if we are with others. For the first few years of our lives we cannot choose who we associate with – who we allow into our lives. We are born into a family and spend time with children at a school that was chosen for us. We only begin to interact with others out of our own choosing when we start our studies or start our first jobs. This is then often the first time we can experiment with the ‘who am I’, ‘who do I like’, ‘who do I want in my life’ and so forth.
Many of us cannot wait to leave school and start our own lives. We dream about living and becoming increasingly independent, being able to make our own choices AND to be free from the image we think we had in school.
“Finally, I’ll be able to do what I want and be who I want to be! I no longer need to worry about the bullies / in-crowd / manipulators / etc. from school or my family. I’m free! YAY! A new beginning!!”
BUT in reality: Wherever we go we have contact with other human beings and as supportive and helpful as we can be to one another, so equally destructive, manipulative and controlling we can be to others.
Due to many reasons, some of us develop toxic personality patterns and traits. We fear ridicule, emotional pain (real or imagined), abandonment and rejection to name but a few. In an attempt to control these fears or to reduce their potential harm, we devise plans or defence mechanisms to help ‘protect’ us. Unfortunately, these plans can result in toxic patterns of behaviour, especially evident when we are in close relationships. These are then the patterns of behaving and thinking that are called narcissism or narcissistic traits.
The words narcissist & narcissism have almost completely changed their meaning over time.
This change was due to a personality disorder (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) which most professionals will agree was poorly named. The experts agree because most people have difficulty with people with this disorder, not because of their narcissism, but rather their aggression and lack of perfectionism, both of which can become highly problematic when coupled together with the charismatic qualities the word narcissism really describes.
Narcissism Checklist:
- ‘Two faced’ – putting friends and family down behind their back.
- Narcissistic rage; has trouble admitting their mistakes and may become angered by even mild criticism.
- Blames others for their failures and lack of success.
- A different person in private than in public.
- Irresponsible and unreliable (often trading off other people’s hard work).
- Arrogant, acting superior to family and close friends.
- Lives in a fantasy world which may include porn, romance novels, flirting, affairs, computer games, dreams of fame and success; may be addicted to the fantasy behaviour.
- May have other addictions such as alcohol, tobacco, gambling, drugs, shopping, and / or sex.
- Will lie, distort facts and rewrite history to suit their own agenda.
- May use people, steal and be irresponsible with money.
- Distant and emotionally unavailable unless they want something.
- Lacking empathy for others, especially the people they exploit.
- Controlling and often unable to relax.
- May appear charming and even humble in public.
- Provokes people and then blames them for the fight.
REMEMBER:For someone to be described as narcissistic, they must have all three qualities:
Although narcissism is associated with its many external manifestations, such as attention seeking, grandstanding, superficial charm, lack of reliability, boundary violation, manipulation, etc., most people with these traits do not show them openly.
Various researchers and authors refer to covert or under cover narcissism; aka the “hypersensitive” narcissist, the “closet” narcissist, or the “vulnerable narcissist”. This sub-type of narcissism is more hidden, and yet can carry the same self-conceit and negative contagion as their extroverted counterpart.
What both extrovert and covert narcissists have in common is their employment of an outer veneer of superiority, to disguise their inner sense of vulnerability. While the extroverted narcissist will say, in so many ways: “I’m better than you”, the introverted narcissist will strongly hint at it.