What is Sexual Happiness?

Jacques Vermeulen posted a piece about happiness here [https://vaalpsychologists.co.za/happiness-is/] and describes it as a state of feeling pleasure or contentment.  He notes that happiness fluctuates i.e., it’s not a constant state.  And finally, he clarifies that it shouldn’t be confused with joy, bliss, ecstasy or similar intense feelings.  Logically then, sexual happiness comprises all of these characteristics, but in relation to sex.  Here’s a relatively good definition of sexual happiness: “[It is] the cognitive and affective evaluation of oneself as a sexual being, an individual’s subjective appraisals of their sexuality, the presence of pleasurable and satisfying experiences, and the absence of sexual problems” (Foster & Byers, 2016, in Lorimer et al., 2019).  More simply stated, sexual happiness is likely to exist when i) one positively views and accepts one’s own sexuality, ii) one has pleasurable and satisfying sexual experiences, and iii) one doesn’t have any sexual problems.

Sexual Happiness Research: Trends and Associations

It’s difficult to give a more precise definition than the one above because sexual desires and preferences are intrinsically individual and personal – there is no one-size-fits-all.  This makes research on the topic challenging, complicated, and complex.  At best, studies can show tendencies and trends and so in this post I write about the ‘average’ or ‘typical’ issues, and not the details.

Research suggests that sexual happiness is dependent on two main things:

• Personal sexual well-being. There’s a robust relationship between personal well-being and sexual happiness, as will be described shortly; and
• Dyadic processes. ‘Dyadic processes’ is a fancy phrase for the unique interactions and interdependence a person has with another – in other words, the nature of the relationship between two people.

Personal Sexual Well-Being and Biological Considerations

There’s a popular 19^th century nursery rhyme that goes like this:

What are little boys made of?

frogs, snails

And puppy-dogs’ tails

That’s what little boys are made of

What are little girls made of?

Sugar and spice

And all things nice

That’s what little girls are made of

Let’s look at what the ‘frogs and snails’, and ‘sugar and spice’ are that produce boys and girls, or more specifically, male and female (and everything in between).  This is important because understanding and acceptance of one’s sexual predispositions and needs can significantly increase the chances of being sexually happy.  Also, awareness of how pre-birth biological processes i.e., processes over which the baby has zero control, contribute to adult sexual orientation (heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and even asexuality) can go a long way towards reducing the prejudice that many people who aren’t ‘typical or ‘average’ experience.

There is general agreement that there are three processes that occur before a baby is born that influence how they look and feel in adulthood from a masculine/feminine perspective.

Process 1: Chromosomal foundation

First up is the chromosomal allocation that determines gender i.e., whether one will be born male-typical or female-typical.  This occurs at conception and is governed by the genetic code that the fertilizing sperm carries: if the sperm carries an X chromosome, it will combine with the egg’s X chromosome to create a female zygote XX, and if the sperm carries a Y chromosome, the fertilized egg will be XY, a male zygote.  The default setting of the human body and brain is female, and it is only if the Y chromosome exerts its influence at a specific time during pregnancy that the baby’s body at birth will be male-typical.

Process 2: Masculinization of the body

Initially, XX and XY embryos undergo exactly the same development processes during early pregnancy.  The physiological foundations for nipples develop during this time, which is why male bodies have nipples even though as adults nipples are redundant.  At around 10 weeks the second process, which is all about the masculinization of the body, begins.  The testis-determining factor gene (TDF), which lies on the Y chromosome, kicks into gear, and testes develop.  The testes then produce testosterone in abundance – much more so than the ovaries of an XX foetus.  Everything that happens from this point onwards in relation to distinguishing between male and female arises from testosterone.

Simultaneously, the mother produces an enzyme called 5-alpha-reductase, which metabolises the testosterone to dihydrotestosterone (DHT).  DHT is the substance that triggers the masculinization process.  The amount of 5-alpha-reductase produced varies per pregnancy and a greater quantity is associated with a more masculine body.  Conversely, an insufficient amount of 5-alpha-reductase means that not enough testosterone is converted to DHT and the little body, despite having testes, will develop in anatomically female ways.  Castor Semenya is an example of this happening (Solms & Turnbull, 2018).

Process 3: Masculinization of the brain

The third process, the masculinization of the brain, occurs at around six months in the pregnancy.  The male foetus again produces a surge in testosterone, but this time the mother produces an enzyme called aromatase, which converts testosterone to estrogen.  The aromatisation of testosterone into estrogen influences the development and activation of neural circuits in the developing brain, and in particular neural systems associated with aggression, activity levels, and territoriality (power relations and dominance), i.e., male-typical behaviour.  In instances where the production of aromatase is disrupted, the process of masculinization is consequently interrupted or modified, sometimes to the extent that a male sexual body can have a ‘female’ brain.  External factors, in particular stress in the mother, impact on how much aromatase is produced (LeVay, 2016).

There are several small but statistically significant differences between a male-typical brain and a female-typical brain.  Particularly prominent is the difference in size of the INAH-3.  This densely packed area of cells is located in the hypothalamus, a region of the brain associated with the production and distribution of hormones, and is thought to have a direct role in shaping sexual behaviour.  The INAH-3 is three times bigger in males than in females, and is also bigger in heterosexual males than in homosexual males.

Many other factors may also impact on sexual orientation, for example, fraternal birth order i.e., the more older brothers a man has, the higher the likelihood he will be homosexual (Ablaza et al., 2022;  https://www.psypost.org/2022/01/study-of-nine-million-people-indicates-that-men-with-older-brothers-are-more-likely-to-be-gay-62425).

 Typically, the three processes are coordinated and the XY cell/zygote is masculinized to varying degrees in both the body and the brain.  However, sometimes these processes don’t align along sex-typical divisions, resulting in non-typical combinations of male and female bodies and brains.  Because each pregnancy is unique, few people are exactly alike.  Most people’s orientation can be seen on a continuum, with substantial variation even among heterosexuals or homosexuals.  Allow me to explain using an analogy.  Let’s pretend that all humans are chocolate cakes.  We know that not all chocolate cakes are the same e.g., there are sponge cakes, mousse cakes, sachertorte, flourless cakes, marbled cakes, gluten-free cakes, and black forest gateau, to name a few.  They are all chocolate cakes, but each is made slightly differently, which produces differing outcomes.  Not better, not worse, just different.  What kind of cake you are will depend on the particulars of the ingredients and the baking process, which will also, in addition to other things, shape your personal tastes and preferences.

Personal Sexual Well-being: Individual Psychological and Contextual Considerations

On a day-to-day basis there are many factors and issues that play a role in personal/individual sexual happiness, including the following (Graham et al., 2017; Rokach & Patel, 2021; Velten & Margraf, 2017; Vowels et al., 2022):

• Psychological (mental) health, especially depression, anxiety, and stress.[click here to do a quick personal depression assessment https://www.psycom.net/depression-test/, an anxiety test https://www.psycom.net/anxiety-test, or a stress test https://www.psycom.net/stress-test]
• Physical health, including obesity, diabetes, heart and vascular disease, hormonal imbalances, and chronic diseases (e.g., kidney or liver failure).
• Sexual functiong., erectile dysfunction, early ejaculation, pain during intercourse, inability to reach orgasm, and lack of vaginal lubrication. Furthermore, the side effects of some medications can affect sexual function.
• Satisfaction with life – sexual satisfaction is positively and strongly correlated with satisfaction in other areas of life. [click here to do the satisfaction with life assessment https://www.mdapp.co/satisfaction-with-life-swl-scale-calculator-367/]
• Sexual orientation: While quite a lot is known about how the male- and female-typical brain and body develop, comparatively little is known about other influences on sexual orientation, specifically who you’re attracted to and want to have relationships with. There are many kinds of sexual orientations including gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, asexual, pansexual, sapiosexual, demisexual, androgynosexual, and even pomosexual. [click here for a comprehensive list https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/types-of-sexuality#types]
• Contraception and the availability, or not, thereof.
• Addictions, notably alcoholism and drug abuse.
• Gender: It’s inconclusive whether gender is a factor in sexual happiness. Some studies have shown that there are no significant differences between genders, while others have found that men recorded consistently higher rates of happiness. Generally, men’s sexual satisfaction was more predictable than women’s, probably because women’s sexuality is thought to be more complex than men’s.
• Previous sexual trauma.
• Attachment, which is about the ease and security of one’s close relationships, and how one feels about closeness and intimacy. [click here to assess your attachment style https://testyourself.psychtests.com/testid/2859]
• Self-esteem – low self-esteem is associated with poor sexual happiness. [click here to do a self-esteem assessment https://www.psycom.net/low-self-esteem-self-assessment-test/]
• Body image.
• Cultural beliefs and religion around perceptions of love and sex.
• Familial commitments, especially related to babies and young children.

The philosopher Socrates famously stated that the unexamined life was not worth living.  “Know thyself”, he declared.  An awareness and understanding of one’s possible psychological and medical impediments to achieving sexual happiness is the first step to removing the barriers.  A medical doctor can help with diagnosis and treatment of things related to physical health, sexual function, and contraception, while many of the above emotional and psychological factors can be managed and possibly even overcome by engaging in talk therapy, either with a registered counsellor, counselling psychologist, or clinical psychologist.  Free support for mental health related issues is available from SADAG [https://www.sadag.org/].  LifeLine offers free counselling @ 0861-322-322, @ 011-728-1347, or WhatsApp counselling @ 065-9899238.  Lifeline also offers a 12-week online Personal Growth course (module 1), the purpose of which is to enable participants to identify and deal with any psychological or emotional issues that they may or may not be aware of (https://www.cognitoforms.com/LifeLineJohannesburg/counsellingcourseinformation).

Dyadic Processes

Humans need positive interpersonal interactions and strong relationships in order to thrive.  It should be no surprise then that research repeatedly shows that the strongest predictors of sexual happiness relate to relationship variables.  Sexual satisfaction goes hand in hand with good relationships according to research undertaken in 2013 that examined 197 scientific studies on sexual satisfaction.  More recent research by Wongsomboon et al., (2020) suggested that women experience greater sexual happiness in committed relationships compared to casual sex (hookups) scenarios.

It is a common belief that men are hardwired to seek as many sexual partners as possible and in doing so avoid relationship commitments, but evolutionary psychology suggests otherwise.  Stewart-Williams & Thomas (2013) explain that, while this may be so for the majority of species, humans are different because males are commonly invested in raising their young.  In the context of mating, humans have a system of mutual courtship where each participant actively evaluates the potential partner on the basis of characteristics that bode well for longer-term commitment.  Researchers have even suggested that monogamy developed so that males could protect their offspring from unrelated males.  However, it is also true that men generally have a higher continued interest in sex with new partners, which is described as the Coolidge Effect i.e., men’s propensity for choosing novel partners as a result of tolerance to, or boredom with, the same person [click here for more information https://rewardfoundation.org/relationships/the-coolidge-effect/]. It’s complicated.

What is known is that sexual happiness is significantly positively correlated with high relationship satisfaction and vice-versa.  A healthy relationship is built on respect and involves both people having trust, an understanding of each other, being comfortable with each other’s company, and being willing to compromise.

Commitment and consistency →  higher levels of intimacy and connection → greater sexual happiness.

Interestingly, it seems that those who participate in casual sex also generally seek intimacy, even if it’s only fleeting (Garcia et al., 2018).

Other factors that impact on sexual happiness in the context of a relationship include the importance attached to sex, open sexual communication, romantic love, dyadic desire, and low sexual desire discrepancies i.e., when two partners desire different levels or a different frequency of sexual activity.  Of these, unsurprisingly, the most important one seems to be good communication between partners (Debrot et al., 2017; Graham et al., 2017; Joel et al., 2020; Pearlman-Avnion et al., 2017; Schwartz & Young, 2009; Sprecher, 2002).

Does the length of the relationship make a difference to sexual happiness?  Again, it’s complicated.

Although the passage of time is negatively associated with sexual frequency, there isn’t a clear correlation between length of relationship and sexual happiness.  In other words, decreased sexual frequency over time does not necessarily mean decreased sexual happiness.  There is, however, some evidence that men have higher rates of sexual dissatisfaction in longer term relationships than do women (cue the Coolidge Effect?).

Regarding sexual frequency – how much is enough?  One big study showed that within a relationship, sex once a week was equated with sexual happiness and that more than that wasn’t significantly associated with an increase in overall sexual satisfaction.  Sex is also less frequent in older people who nevertheless report relatively high rates of sexual happiness, reinforcing the notion that there really isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution (Heiman et al., 2011; Muise et al., 2016; Velten & Margraf, 2017).  Interestingly, research in developed nations like the USA, Britain, Australia, Finland, and Japan is showing that overall, sexual activity is decreasing among their populations (de Visser et al., 2014; Ghaznavi et al., 2019; Herbenick et al., 2021; Moriki et al., 2015; Ueda & Mercer, 2019).

A final consideration is the socio-cultural context.  While sexual happiness is individually experienced, it’s also socially structured and influenced, and so some studies suggest that socio-cultural factors are also important, e.g., cultural attitudes towards monogamy or homosexuality.  This matters because feeling accepted and valued in a society significantly contributes to overall well-being, which is likely to have a spill over effect on an individual’s sexual happiness.   Heterosexual monogamy is the cultural mandate in most western countries, and correspondingly, monogamy seems to be required for relationship satisfaction in most heterosexual couples in long-term relationships (Rokach & Patel, 2021; Sánchez-Fuentes et al., 2014; Sapolsky, 2017).  In their research, Schwartz & Young (2009) identify two exceptions to this rule i.e., a relatively high percentage of gay male couples feel the need for sexual variety, and some experimental couples choose to open up their relationship to others under rules and expectations that the primary partners have mutually agreed upon.  To this end there is a range of relationship structure options including monogamish, polygyny (particularly in Muslim societies), polyamory, swinging, open relationships, mono-polyam, polyfidelity.  This article describes some of these – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201407/7-different-kinds-non-monogamy.

In summary, research shows that sexual happiness is challenging to define and measure because it’s such an individual and personal thing.  There are, however, some general considerations that provide pointers to maximizing your chances of laying claim to it, as I’ve discussed in this blog post.  Furthermore, like any form of happiness, it’s not a permanent state, and so is something that requires ongoing effort and adjustment to circumstances.  Looking after yourself (physically and mentally) and communicating well are two vital factors.  And finally, accept that we are all chocolate cakes, that we are baked a little differently, and that our tastes in chocolate cake differ – so, as the saying goes (often wrongly attributed to Marie Antoinette), “let them eat cake”. Tuck in!