Emotional Abusive Relationships
Part 3
Jacques Vermeulen
Unmasking Emotional Abuse
How do they do it?
How does it happen that we fall into these dysfunctional relationships and then spend almost all our energies in maintaining them, experiencing an ever increasing sense of exhaustion and personal disintegration?
Well, the answer is quite simple. People with these tendencies use everyday, dare I say: “normal”, interpersonal interactions in a toxic way. These interpersonal interactions are twisted and manipulated in such a way that instead of enabling
healthy lasting and growing relationships, they turn toxic and cause dysfunction.
There are many of these that the narcissist uses but only a few of these diversionary tactics will be discussed in this article.
Emotional Abusive Masks
Love-Bombing and Devaluation
Toxic people put you through an idealization phase until you are sufficiently
hooked and invested in beginning a friendship or relationship with them. Then
they begin to devalue you while insulting the very things they admired in the first
place. Another variation of this is when a toxic individual puts you on a pedestal
while aggressively devaluing and attacking someone else who threatens their
sense of superiority.
Narcissistic abusers do this all the time – they devalue their exes to their new partners, and eventually the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the narcissist’s ex-partner. Ultimately what will happen is that you will also be on the receiving end of the same abuse. You will one day be the ex-partner they degrade to their new source of supply. You just don’t know it yet.
That is why it is important to stay mindful of the love-bombing technique whenever you witness behaviour that does not align with the saccharine sweetness a narcissist subjects you to. Slowing things down with people you suspect may be toxic is an important way of
combating the love-bombing technique. Be wary of the fact that how a person treats or speaks about someone else could potentially translate into the way they will treat you in future.
Gas-lighting: “WTF?!”
Gas-lighting is a manipulative tactic that can be described in different variations of three expressions: “That didn’t happen”, “You imagined it”, and “Are you crazy?” Gas-lighting is perhaps one of the most insidious manipulative tactics out there, because it distorts and erodes your sense of reality. It eats away at your ability to trust yourself and, inevitably, disables you from feeling justified in calling out abuse and mistreatment.
When a narcissist gas-lights you, two conflicting beliefs battle it out: “Is this person right?” or “Can I trust what I experienced?” A manipulative person will convince you that you are wrong and he or she is right AND then use this as a sign of dysfunction on your end. In other words, you will be convinced that you are wrong and that also proves exactly how “bad / stupid / irrational / etc.” you really are.
In order to resist gas lighting, it is important to ground yourself in your own reality – writing things down as they happened, telling a friend or reiterating your experience to a support network can help to counteract the gas-lighting effect. The power of having a validating community is that it can redirect you from the distorted reality of a malignant person and back to your own inner guidance. In short, stick to the facts and remember to KISS (Keep It Short & Simple) your responses.
Projection: “It’s not me, it’s you”
One sure sign of toxicity is when a person is chronically unwilling to see his or her own shortcomings and uses everything in their power to avoid being held accountable for them. This is known as projection.
Projection is a defence mechanism used to displace responsibility of your own negative behaviour and traits by attributing them to someone else. It ultimately acts as a digression that avoids ownership and accountability. “It’s not me, it’s you.”
While we all engage in projection to some extent, the projections of a narcissist are often psychologically abusive. Rather than acknowledge their own flaws, imperfections and wrongdoings, toxic people opt to dump their own traits on their unsuspecting victims in a way that is painful and excessively cruel. Instead of admitting that self-improvement may be in order, they would prefer that their victims take responsibility for their behaviour and feel ashamed of themselves. This is a way for a narcissist to project any toxic shame they have about themselves onto another. For example, someone who lies a lot may accuse their partner of lying; a needy spouse may call their husband “clingy” in an attempt to depict them as the one who is dependent; a rude employee may call their boss ineffective in an effort to escape the truth about their own productivity. Narcissistic abusers love to play the “blame-shifting” game. Objectives of the game: they win, you lose, and you – or the world at large – are blamed for everything that’s wrong with them. This way, you get to babysit their fragile ego while you’re thrust into a sea of self-doubt. Fun, right Narcissists on the extreme end of the spectrum usually have no interest in self- insight or change. It is important to cut all ties and end all interaction with toxic people as soon as possible so you can get centred in your own reality and validate your own identity.
Nonsensical Conversations From Hell
If you think you are going to have a thoughtful discussion with someone who is toxic, be prepared for epic mindf*#%ry rather than conversational mindfulness. They often use word salad, circular conversations, ad hominem arguments, projection and gas lighting to disorient you and get you off track should you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way. They do this in order to discredit, confuse and frustrate you, distract you from the main problem and make you feel guilty for being a human being with actual thoughts and feelings that might differ from their own. In their eyes, you are the problem if you happen
to exist.
Spend even ten minutes arguing with a narcissist and you’ll find yourself wondering how the argument even began at all. You simply disagreed with them about the colour you want to paint the bedroom and now your entire childhood, family, friends, career and lifestyle choices have come under attack. That is because your disagreement picked at their false belief that they are omnipotent and omniscient, resulting in a narcissistic injury. REMEMBER: Toxic people don’t argue with you, they essentially argue with themselves and you become privy to their long, draining monologues. They thrive on the drama and they live for it. Each and every time you attempt to provide a point that counters their ridiculous assertions, you feed their fire. Don’t feed the narcissists fire – rather, supply yourself with the confirmation that their abusive behaviour is the problem, not you. Cut the interaction short as soon as you anticipate it escalating and use your energy on some decadent self-care instead.
Blanket Statements and Generalizations
Narcissists are not always intellectual masterminds – many of them are intellectually lazy. Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don’t acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives you’ve paid homage to. Better yet, why not put a label on you that dismisses your perspective altogether? On a larger scale, generalizations and blanket statements invalidate experiences that don’t fit in the unsupported assumptions, schemas and stereotypes of society; they are also used to maintain the status quo.
This form of digression exaggerates one perspective to the point where a social justice issue can become completely obscured. For example, rape accusations against well-liked figures are often met with the reminder that there are false reports of rape that occur. While those do occur, they are rare, and in this case, the actions of one become labelled the behaviour of the majority while the specific report itself remains unaddressed.
These everyday microaggressions also happen in toxic relationships. If you bring up to a narcissistic abuser that their behaviour is unacceptable, they will often make blanket generalizations about your hypersensitivity or make a generalization such as: “You are never satisfied”, or “You’re always too sensitive”, rather than addressing the real issues at hand. It is possible that you are oversensitive at times, but it is also possible that the abuser is insensitive and cruel the majority of the time. Hold onto your truth and resist generalizing statements by realizing that they are in fact forms of black and white illogical thinking. Toxic people’s blanket statements do not represent the full richness of experience – they represent the limited one of their singular experience and overinflated sense of self.
Deliberately misrepresenting your thoughts and feelings to the point of absurdity.
In the hands of a narcissist your differing opinions, legitimate emotions and lived
experiences get translated into character flaws and evidence of your irrationality. Narcissists weave tall tales to reframe what you’re actually saying as a way to make your opinions look absurd or heinous. Let’s say you bring up the fact that you’re unhappy with the way a toxic friend is speaking to you. In response, he or she may put words in your mouth, saying: “Oh, so now you are perfect?” or “So I am wrong again, huh?” when you have done nothing but express your feelings. This enables them to invalidate your right to have thoughts and emotions about their inappropriate behaviour and instils in you a sense of guilt when you attempt to establish boundaries.
This is also a popular form of diversion and cognitive distortion that is known as “mind reading”. Toxic people often presume they know what you’re thinking and feeling. They chronically jump to conclusions based on their own triggers rather than stepping back to evaluate the situation mindfully. They act accordingly based on their own delusions and fallacies and make no apologies for the harm they cause as a result. Notorious for putting words in your mouth, they depict you as having an intention or outlandish viewpoint you didn’t possess. They accuse you of thinking of them as toxic – even before you’ve gotten the chance to call them out on their behaviour – and this also serves as a form of pre-emptive defence. Simply stating, “I never said that”, and walking away should the person continue to accuse you of doing or saying something you didn’t can help to set a firm boundary in this type of interaction. So long as the toxic person can blame-shift and digress from their own behaviour, they have succeeded in convincing you
that you should be “shamed” for giving them any sort of realistic feedback.
Nit-picking and moving the goal posts.
The difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism is the presence of a personal attack and impossible standards. These so-called “critics” often don’t want to help you improve, they just want to nit-pick, pull you down and scapegoat you in any way they can. Narcissists employ a logical fallacy known as “moving the goalposts” in order to ensure that they have every reason to be perpetually dissatisfied with you. This is when, even after you’ve provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request, they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof.
Do you have a successful career? The narcissist will then start to pick on why you are not senior management yet. The goal posts will perpetually change and may not even be related to each other. By raising the expectations higher and higher each time or switching them completely, highly manipulative and toxic people are able to instil a pervasive sense of unworthiness in you and a sense of never feeling quite “enough”. By pointing out one irrelevant fact or one thing you did wrong and developing a hyper-focus on it, narcissists get to divert from your strengths and pull you into obsessing over any flaws or weaknesses instead. They get you thinking about the next expectation of theirs you are going to have to meet – until eventually you’ve bent over backwards trying to fulfil their every need – only to realise it did not change the horrendous ways they treat you. Do not get sucked into nit picking and changing goal posts. If someone chooses to rehash an irrelevant point over and over again to the point where they are not acknowledging the work you have done to validate your point or satisfy them, their motive is not to better understand. It is to further provoke you into feeling as if you have to constantly prove yourself, validate and approve of yourself. Know that you are enough and you don’t have to feel constantly deficient or unworthy in some way.
Covert and Overt Threats
Toxic people feel very threatened when their excessive sense of entitlement, false sense of superiority and grandiose sense of self are challenged in any way. They are prone to making unreasonable demands on others – while punishing you for not living up to their impossible to reach expectations.
Rather than tackle disagreements or compromises maturely, they set out to divert you from your right to have your own identity and perspective by attempting to instil fear in you about the consequences of disagreeing or complying with their demands. To them, any challenge results in an ultimatum and “do this or I’ll do that” becomes their daily mantra. If someone’s reaction to you setting boundaries or having a different opinion than them is to threaten you into submission, whether it’s a thinly veiled threat or an
overt admission of what they plan to do, then that is a red flag of someone who has a high degree of entitlement and has no plans of compromising. Take threats seriously and show the narcissist you mean business; document threats and report them whenever possible and legally feasible.
Smear Campaigns and Stalking
When toxic types can’t control the way you see yourself, they start to control how others see you; they play the martyr while you are labelled the toxic one. A smear campaign is a pre-emptive strike to sabotage your reputation and slander your name so that you will not have a support network to fall back on lest you decide to detach and cut ties with this toxic person. They may even stalk and harass you or the people you know as a way to supposedly “expose” the truth about you; this exposure acts as a way to hide their own abusive behaviour while projecting it onto you. Some smear campaigns can even work to put two people or two groups against each other. A victim in an abusive relationship with a narcissist often does not know what is being said about them during the relationship, but they eventually find out the falsehoods shortly after they have been discarded.
Toxic people will gossip behind your back (and to your face), slander you to your loved ones or their loved ones, create stories that depict you as the aggressor while they play the victim, and claim that you engaged in the same behaviours that they are afraid you will accuse them of engaging in it. They will also methodically, covertly and deliberately abuse you so they can use your reactions as a way to prove that they are the so-called “victims” of your abuse. The best way to handle a smear campaign is to stay mindful of your reactions and stick to the facts. This is especially pertinent for high-conflict divorces with narcissists who may use your reactions to their provocations against you.
Document any form of harassment, cyberbullying or stalking incidents and always speak to your narcissist through a lawyer whenever possible. You may wish to take legal action if you feel the stalking and harassment is getting out of control; finding a lawyer who is well-versed in Narcissistic Personality Disorder is crucial. Your character and integrity will speak for itself when the narcissist’s false mask begins to slip.
Triangulation
Bringing in the opinion, perspective or suggested threat of another person into
the dynamic of an interaction is known as “triangulation”. Often used to validate
the toxic person’s abuse while invalidating the victim’s reactions to abuse,
triangulation can also work to manufacture love triangles that leave you feeling
unhinged and insecure.
Narcissists love to triangulate their significant other with strangers, co-workers, ex-partners, friends and even family members in order to evoke jealousy and uncertainty in you. They also use the opinions of others to validate their point of view.
This is a diversionary tactic meant to pull your attention away from their abusive behaviour and into a false image of them as a desirable, sought after person. It also leaves you questioning yourself: “If Simon did agree with Jennifer, does that not mean that I am wrong?” The truth is: Narcissists love to “report back” falsehoods about what others say about you, when in fact, they are the ones smearing you. To resist triangulation tactics, realize that everyone is essentially being played by this one person. Reverse “triangulate” the narcissist by gaining support from a third party that is not under the narcissist’s influence – and also by seeking your own validation.
Bait and Feign Innocence
Toxic individuals lure you into a false sense of security in order to trap you in a
mindless, chaotic argument that usually escalates into disaster. A simple disagreement may bait you into responding politely initially, until it becomes clear
that the person has a malicious motive of tearing you down. REMEMBER: The
difference is that you are interacting with someone who has no respect for you.
They will use sarcasm, “jokes”, “innocent” statements, any such things to keep
you off guard. You feel disorientated and often over-sensitive and drained after
interacting with toxic people employing this tactic. You know and feel “off” about
the joke or interaction but often cannot put words to it or explain to yourself what
feels wrong about the joke for example. We often then choose to ignore these
alarm signals we get. This is what the narcissist bargains on! You ignoring or
not addressing these alarm signals empower them to ever more ingenious ways
to bait you which in turn strengthens your false sense of yourself and the
relationship.
By “baiting” you with a seemingly harmless comment disguised as a rational one,
they can begin to play with you. REMEMBER: Narcissistic abusers have
learned about your insecurities and they use this knowledge maliciously to
provoke you. After you have fallen for it; hook, line and sinker; they will stand
back and innocently ask whether you are “okay” and talk about how they did not
“mean” to hurt / anger you. “Chill, I was only asking?!” This faux innocence
works to catch you off guard and make you believe that they truly did not intend
to hurt you, until it happens so often you can’t deny the reality of their malice any
longer.
It helps to realise when you are being baited so you can avoid engaging
altogether. Listen to your internal alarm system – your gut! Provocative
statements, name-calling, hurtful accusations or unsupported generalizations, for
example, are common baiting tactics. Your gut instinct can also tell you when
you are being baited – if you feel “off” about a certain comment and continue to
feel this way even after it has been expanded on, that’s a sign. You may need to
take some space to re-evaluate the situation before choosing to respond.
Remember – highly manipulative people don’t respond to empathy or compassion. They respond to consequences.
In conclusion, it is important to remember that toxic abusers love to maintain control in whatever way they can. They may isolate you (Your friends and family suddenly are not good enough anymore. “They are abusing your good nature and are out to get you or hurt you and I (the narcissist) will not allow you to be hurt. I am only trying to protect you”), maintain control over your finances and social networks (“You see, it’s because of you always being on Facebook that this is happening, you know how jealous I can get”), and micro-manage every facet of your life (often to the extent of deciding what you eat and wear). Yet, the most powerful mechanism they have for control is toying with your emotions.
That is why toxic people manufacture situations of conflict out of thin air to keep you feeling off-centre and of- balanced. That is why they chronically engage in disagreements about irrelevant things and rage over perceived slights. That is why they emotionally withdraw, only to re idealize you once they start to lose control. That is why they vacillate between their false self and their true self, so you never get a sense of psychological safety or certainty about who your partner truly is.
The more power they have over your emotions, the less likely you will trust your own reality and the truth about the abuse you are enduring. Knowing the manipulative tactics and how they work to erode your sense of self can arm you with the knowledge of what you’re facing and, at the very least, develop a plan to regain control over your own life and away from toxic people.
